Bittersweet Day

I am having a bittersweet day. My son is leaving this evening for the US Army. Yep, that's right, he's joining the Army. He is going to basic training in Missouri and then to Texas for his advanced training. He's going to be a firefighter. Now, I am happy and proud of him for making these choices and it's a great sign that he is growing up. I have been waiting for this for awhile now.
But I am still sad that he's leaving. He's such a great kid with a great heart and as any mother would, I feel very protective of him. I don't want him to get hurt even though I know he will. I don't want him to be lonely but he will at times. I know this is a right of passage for him and it's not much different than if he went off to collgege (which I really wished he had done, but he isn't ready for it yet) but then again, his father and I weren't either.

Ok, it's August 15th and yesterday was one of the most difficult days of my life. I woke up crying and felt incredibly sad all day. I miss my son. I worry for him. I love him so much I cannot even describe. He sent me a wonderful message on my phone and it means the world to me. He said the exact words a mom longs to hear her children say to know that they have become that amazing adult you always knew they would become.

I feel a little better today. I still miss him and worry for him, as I probably will for the rest of my life. I know we will see him in 9 weeks as we will be there when he graduates Basic Training. I know he will come home for Christmas break and we will see him when he graduates from the Firefighter's school in February. But I will miss him every day.

I thought this would be easier, to let him go, than it was to leave my daughter and my grandson in Alaska. It isn't. I never really realized how much of myself has been defined as their mom. I thought I was the woman who had many definitions, a degree, a successful career, individual interests, etc. But when it's all said and done, I am their mother and that is who I am. It's the biggest role of my life and for now, it's completed. Most mothers would envy me to have raised two high school graduates who have made the transition into adulthood and self reliance (for the most part anyway, the economy is killing our young people). I even dreamed of this day when my house would be a quiet sanctuary, or when I cleaned, it woul remain that way. It's not all it's cracked up to be. And it's harder than I ever thought it could be.

Add to all this drama, my wonderful husband got promoted, which means we will not be retiring and most likely means we'll be moving within the next 3-6 months. The silver lining? I haven't finished unpacking yet. I feel like a feather (I wish that was literal by the way) in the wind. I am surrendered to these events. Talk about powerless over that which I cannot change. My dad would be proud.